I don’t talk much about my marriage, in real life or on my blog, but today I felt like sharing.
Yesterday was my 30th wedding anniversary. I haven’t even seen my husband in almost 5 years. When he left me 8 years ago, I felt strongly convicted to remain faithful to my marriage. When I married, I committed to “better or worse.” Yes, I know that the Bible provides a “way out” for adultery, but I also believe that divorce is not in God’s will and that it wasn’t what He wanted for me. Chris has never filed for divorce. He left the country and has made a new life for himself. We had a lot of contact for the first few years, but, as far as I know, he has now pretty much forgotten about me and our four children. If he chooses to divorce me, I can’t stop him, but I’m not going to make that choice.
I don’t judge anyone who has made a different decision. I know the pain of betrayal, the loneliness, and the devastation of being rejected. I was blindsided when the love of my life told me he didn’t want me anymore and wanted to end what I thought was a good marriage. I understand the choice to divorce and move on. But I also feel that my choices were right for me and what God has called me to do. I honestly believed that Chris would come back eventually. It’s hard to believe that anymore, but I don’t doubt my decision.
That leaves me in a strange position. I think of myself as single, but technically, I’m not. At first, it was so hard to go everywhere by myself, to sit alone with my kids at church. To plan and take a vacation without another adult. To live in a married world but to not have a spouse. Now, it’s the new normal. The idea of having a spouse is strange. I’ve almost forgotten that life I used to have. Yes, I am lonely at times, and there are a lot of things I don’t do because I am alone, but for the most part, I am content. It’s just kind of weird, though…to be married, but not.